The Doctor is Not Amused
by Terrose
Summary: The Tenth Doctor goes on the Internet and discovers fan fiction. Really bad fan fiction. Chapter 7: The Doctor posts his own story, and soon learns what a sporking is.
1. Male Pregnancy

The Doctor was finally learning to navigate the Internet. He had been meaning to learn for decades but rebellions and imprisonments had got in his way every other time. He ripped open a bag of Cheetos and popped one into his mouth as he logged onto his computer. He quickly spat the Cheeto out, though, realising it was as stale as most of his jokes. He grabbed a fresh Cheeto and clicked on a site that claimed to contain fan fiction, wondering what people were writing about him. After he registered for his account and picked a user name, he was ready to go. The first story had the mark XXX next to it. That must mean it was especially good, the Doctor assumed. He clicked on the title and began to read.

Halfway through the second paragraph, he choked on his Cheeto. "I did Bwhat/B to Rose with my 'talented tongue'? Oh, now that's just wrong!" he screamed indignantly. "I never would!"

It was then that the Doctor realised the XXX on the story had indicated heavy pornographic content. The site banned ratings above R so without hesitation he reported the story for abuse.

Then the Doctor clicked on the next story, after making sure there was no XXX mark next to it. It was a nice, innocent G rating, which was supposed to be safe for even small children to read. He made it almost a third of the way through the story this time before he yelped, "No one would enjoy it if I did that to their nipple! Do these writers have no knowledge of anatomy?"

He clicked on the author's profile page. She was 12. "That explains a lot," said the Doctor to himself. He reported her story for abuse of the 'G' rating and instantly felt better.

He moved to the third story. The summary said it was about heavy slash. The Doctor wasn't sure what heavy slash was but it had to be better than the stories he had read so far. He was very sorry to find out that he was wrong. After he read the entire appalling thing in disbelief, he checked all the site rules and was stunned to learn that the offending story didn't seem to violate even one of them.

Still, he had to do something.

The Doctor decided to leave a review for the author. He typed, "Dear m-preg fan, I think I now understand what 'heavy slash' means. Your story is highly offensive to me. Not because it contains a male/male pairing, but because it contains a male/male pairing that revolves around a totally idiotic plot and is also incredibly out of character. Because you see, MEN CANNOT BECOME PREGNANT. I don't care that I am Gallifreyan. I CANNOT become PREGNANT. I don't WANT to become pregnant even if I could. I am also not in love with the Master and I did not beg him to impregnate me so I could enjoy the thrilling experience of carrying his twins. While I admit the Master might impregnate me (if such were possible, which it is NOT) as revenge or a bad joke, he would never call me 'Snookums' and say I was like home to him and cry great sad tears on my shoulder every night because he regretted his evil deeds.

"This is the worst story I have read so far and that's saying something. I hate it. I hate your writing. I hate your misspellings. I hate your bad grammar. I hate your horrible plot. I hate your author profile. I hate your user name. I hate everything about you!!!!!!!!

"P.S Besides, I am ASEXUAL. Get a dictionary and look it up, if you are literate enough to do such a thing."

Before he could re-think his decision, the Doctor pressed the submit button and posted the review. Then he logged off the Internet.

By the evening, he had decided to return to the fanfic site. It must have some good stories or it wouldn't still be in business.

He went to log into his account and received repeated error messages. In great frustration, the Doctor finally selected the 'help' button and went to his email address to await the aid.

An email from site admin was already there.

'Dear TenthDoctor,' it read. 'Your account on fanfikshun has been deleted because of your abuse of the system. Flames are not allowed.  
Sincerely,  
Fanfikshun Abuse Team'

The Doctor stared at the message. "What's a flame?" he asked himself.

tbc


	2. The Flame War

The Doctor had had a bad day. He went to check his email in the hopes that he had received an uplifting message. After deleting seven pieces of spam with the same subject line, "My mouth isn't big enough and my boyfriend...", he saw an email from a sender named m-pregfan. He clicked on the link and read:

Der TenthDoctor  
hai okie hu du u tink u r 2 se stuf 2 me so hi n mitey, u r PITA, i ken rite wut i like its not ur sotry, dat wuz mi best chappy 4 mi ficcy, FOAD pls kthxbai!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
m-preg fan

The Doctor stared in great confusion. The note appeared to have been written in a foreign language. Why wasn't the TARDIS translating for him? He thumped the console in frustration but the email grew no more comprehensible. Giving up, the Doctor quickly pecked out a reply to the mystery message.

Dear m-preg fan,  
I didn't understand a word you said. Please write back in English, if you are even capable of doing so. I find it very depressing to learn that your e-mails are even more poorly written than your stories are.  
Sincerely,  
TenthDoctor

The Doctor sent the message and within minutes, a reply appeared in his inbox. The Doctor opened it and read:

UR DUM!!!! dis iz teh nu way of riting, if u dun like it WGFF, u shud get off teh internet, eery1 rites dis way now n u suk!!!!! also i ken rite mi ficcy n-e-way i want so their!!! n BOKYAG

This new email was marginally more understandable than the first one had been and the Doctor realised with two sinking hearts that English had indeed been the language used in both. But what a form of English! It was vile.

He steeled himself to write back to the culprit.

Dear m-preg fan,  
Leaving aside the issue of your wretched abuse of the English language in the email you sent me, I would like to discuss your terrible fan fiction. Part of good writing involves keeping the characters 'in character'. When you wrote that story where I allowed the Master to blow up Earth because he was depressed, that was out of character. When you had the Master call our daughter his 'precious little piece of beloved Gallifrey', that was also out of character. The Master hated Gallifrey. He hated me. He also hated babies. If he ever got his hands on a baby, he would probably throw it into a fire and laugh as it burnt.

Please don't write such unadulterated crap in future. It is embarrassing to read and makes people think you are a complete fool.

Sincerely,  
TenthDoctor

The Doctor hit the "send" button before he could think better of the action. He did not know it at the time, but he had become involved in what he would later learn was called a flame war.


	3. The WIP

After receiving another rude email from m-preg fan, the Doctor remembered that he himself had been banned from the fanfic site for flaming but still didn't know what that meant. He went to Wikipedia to find out what a flame was. The definition said, "Flaming is a hostile and insulting interaction between Internet users."

The Doctor thought for a moment. Even though most of her words had been misspelt, so far m-preg fan had called him stupid, dumb, idiotic, an illiterate moron, a piece of filth, and many other unkind things. She also had suggested that the Doctor fuck off and die. If those weren't hostile and insulting words, the Doctor didn't know what would be.

Had he flamed m-preg fan? The Doctor considered this issue. He had said he hated everything about her story, but he thought he was justified. It was a terrible story in every way! However, he had also become personal with his criticisms. He had said he hated m-preg fan and had questioned her literacy. But that was only fair! Her writing was so wretched, she was almost illiterate!

Calming himself, the Doctor rethought matters. His words had been overly harsh and cruel. Instead he could have given what was known as constructive criticism, or not said anything at all. He needed to make amends with m-preg fan. He should try to be nice and reason with her, he decided. Yes, that was it! He would kill m-preg fan with kindness. He went to email her again, with the full intention of being so friendly m-preg fan would have no choice but to be pleasant in return.

The Doctor carefully composed a kind, generous invitation no one would be able to resist.

Dear m-preg fan,  
I realise you are a very unskilled writer and I feel sorry for you. It is clear that you need a great deal of help to make your writing even tolerable. I feel that this is not totally your fault, and I would like to offer you my help. I will assist you in crafting a quality piece of fan fiction that will be worthy of good reviews. It will undoubtedly take a long time and many revisions before you are capable of producing such work, but I will be around for as long as you need this aid. I will make it my mission to get you to produce tolerable fanfic. Surely you are not totally hopeless.

Please contact me as soon as possible. We have a lot of work ahead of us and while I may effectively be immortal, I doubt the same can be said of you.

Sincerely,  
TenthDoctor

Smiling, the Doctor skimmed his message and nodded in satisfaction. It would take a heart of stone to turn down such an offer. He was quite proud of himself as he sent his latest email to m-preg fan.

Ten minutes later, a new message appeared in his inbox. It was from m-preg fan. Nearly bursting with excitement, the Doctor opened it and read:

FOAD TenthDoctor u SuK, u dun rite ur own storys u hav no rite 2 critise mine u failur u r just JELOUS of my gr8 riting! i will get u b& 4ever!!!!  
FOAD FOAD FOAD FOAD FOAD

WHAT? How dare m-preg respond so cruelly to his sweet and kind offer of assistance? What was wrong with her?

In that moment, the Doctor lost all of his good intentions. He reeled off a reply to m-preg fan, typing so fast his fingers were blurs on his keyboard. The words he used were vicious, scalding, and condescending. Without pausing to reread anything he had just typed, he hit the send button with great authority.

The Doctor sat back, surprised to find that he was breathing heavily and shaking with anger. That an unseen stranger should make him so angry was a bit disturbing, but he couldn't have simply allowed her to insult him yet again. It wasn't right.

Two minutes later, m-preg fan replied to his email. She was not happy. The Doctor, displeased with her reply, shot back another nasty email. M-preg fan reciprocated. The pattern repeated.

In all, the Doctor's flame war with m-preg fan lasted for eight days. It finally ended when m-preg fan spammed the Doctor's email with 368 copies of her latest terrible story, the Doctor reported her to her ISP, and m-preg fan's email account was suspended.

The Doctor was glad the battle was over. He had become far too good at decoding the wretched means of communication known as "Netspeak" and that fact was deeply disturbing to him. Besides, he had spent so much time flinging new and creative insults at his enemy that he had had very little to devote to other pursuits like saving planets or sightseeing or being emo about the destruction of Gallifrey. He hadn't even managed to pick up a new piece of arm candy. Erm, a new companion, that is.

Since the flaming had ended, the Doctor returned to the Fanfikshun site. He registered a new account, TenthDoctorReturns, and resumed his hunt for good stories. He didn't want to find bad porn written by children, or out-of-character trash. He wanted good, compelling stories.

On his 378th try, he came across just such a fic. It was a tale about his third self and Jo Grant as they battled a pack of enhanced Daleks. The Doctor devoured 21 chapters of rousing action and believable developments. At the end of the last chapter was the notation 'to be continued'. The Doctor could hardly wait to see what happened next. When could he expect a fresh installment? He checked the posting dates and was pleased to see that the author had updated every single day for three weeks solid. Then he saw the year of the last update. It had been four years ago. FOUR YEARS!

He had come across an abandoned story.

Keen disappointment surged through the Doctor. Now he would never know if Jo's super flamethrower burnt Queen RisaDalek to a crisp. He would never know if the evil Doctor duplicate became dictator of Iceland. Or if UNIT successfully fought off infiltration by the enemy, a formidably evil organisation called Torchwood. Or if the Brigadier survived an apparent heart attack.

What an unfeeling author, to leave her faithful readers dangling for four whole years. How dare she!

The Doctor clicked the review link to see how many other fans had already expressed their disappointment.

Nothing appeared. Not one person had left even a few words of encouragement for the author of 'The Challenge of the Daleks'. No wonder that after three weeks of faithful posting, the author had become discouraged and given up. Even the Doctor couldn't really blame her.

Disheartened, he skimmed the page in his hunt for a new story to read and then he spotted one with a stunning 1,283 reviews. It must be wonderful to be so popular, the Doctor mused to himself. He looked more closely, eager to read this masterpiece.

It was called 'martha must die' and the summary was: 'martha is evil, she ruined the timeless love of the Doctor and his precious Rose, help me think of ways to kill her off! Round robin'.

Horrified, the Doctor began to read the story. He grew angrier and angrier as he saw chapter after chapter of rubbish. Martha was run over by a lorry, crushed by stampeding bulls, poisoned by a Cyberman, drowned by a mouse, smothered with a feather pillow, and subjected to hundreds of other unfair indignities by spiteful brats.

The story was a round robin? That meant he could submit a chapter as his own contribution! He cracked his knuckles and began to type.


	4. The Round Robin

The Doctor typed quickly and with measured fury. How dare these little fanbrats disrespect his good friend Martha in such a manner? He zeroed in on the rudest author, RoooooseRulzzzz, who had attached an especially foul note to her chapter of the round robin.

Cats mew, dogs drool,  
Martha sux, Rose rulz  
Die Martha in a fire!!!!

The chapter then included Martha's hideous and agonisingly painful death by housefire as she lay helpless, trapped underneath a heap of her own heavy medical books.

Well, thought the Doctor, clicking away on his keyboard, he would just see how RoooooseRulzzzz liked a taste of her own medicine! He zipped through his chapter in record time. Then he sat back and proofread it. He frowned and made several changes before using spellcheck. It caught two mistakes he hadn't even noticed. After fixing them as well, the Doctor proofread another time and altered two more bits of his chapter.

If only all authors would proofread, he thought sadly. Just think! If he hadn't checked his work, he would have posted a sentence that accidentally read, "The Doctor raped on the door." That would have been very embarrassing.

He scanned his story for the final time before posting. It read-

The Doctor smiled proudly as he landed the TARDIS in 2015 London. His good friend Martha Jones, whom he liked very much and always had because she was a fine person who deserved it, had just discovered a cure for the common cold. The Doctor wanted to be the first to congratulate this wonderful person he respected very highly and always would.

He strode purposefully over to her flat. It was a nice place that suited intelligent Martha very well and reflected her excellent, impeccable taste. The Doctor rapped on the door. After several seconds, fantastic Martha answered. She smiled in pleasure as she saw her best friend standing outside her door.

"Doctor! Please come in!" she said in her dulcet tones.

The Doctor stepped in and engulfed beautiful Martha in an enthusiastic hug. "I'm so proud of you!" he said, squeezing her tightly. "I knew you would help many people in your medical career and I will always be your friend regardless of how I feel about Rose or anyone else I have ever known or will ever know!"

Kind Martha smiled back, but with a glimmer of tears in her lovely eyes. "I do feel good about discovering the cure, but I'm upset about the way I did it."

"What do you mean?" the Doctor demanded. "No one could have done a better job than you, and I would know."

Gracious Martha looked down. "It's just so sad that a patient had to die along the way. Not that I could help it, I suppose, but RoooooseRulzzzz might have been alive today under different circumstances."

"Shhh!" the Doctor hushed her. "RoooooseRulzzzz was a vicious little brat and a character basher. If she had to die horribly, suffering for days on end as you raced to try to save her ungrateful carcass, it's no less than she deserved. She cursed you even as she lay on her deathbed, didn't she?"

"Yes," sweet, wonderful Martha said quietly. "Yes, she did. I tried to hold her hand to comfort her in her final moments, and all she would do was yell at me and say she wished I would die in a house fire. But I never did anything to her except try to save her life."

"Well," the Doctor said, "some people are just cruel and evil, and don't deserve your help. RoooooseRulzzzz was one of them. Besides, now you can save millions of people and make their lives better. You should be happy, Martha, not sad."

Lovely Martha forced a smile onto her gorgeous but currently trembling lips. "If you say so, Doctor."

"I do," he declared. "And now, let's go accept your medals, plaques, trophies, and other honours. You richly deserve all of them because of this astounding medical breakthrough you've accomplished." He held fabulous Martha's soft hand as he led her away from her flat, into her glorious future that she earned because of what a wonderful person she was.

The End

The Doctor smiled in satisfaction. He had written the perfect contribution to the round robin. He logged into his account and posted the chapter at the end of the round robin.

Two minutes later, his email program informed him that he had a new message. The Doctor opened it, eager to read the praise that was sure to be within.

The message said-  
Isux sux sux sux sux sux sux sux sux sux  
sux sux sux sux sux sux sux sux sux sux  
sux sux sux sux sux sux sux sux sux sux  
sux sux sux sux sux sux sux sux sux sux  
sux sux sux sux sux sux sux sux sux sux  
sux sux sux sux sux sux sux sux sux sux  
sux sux sux sux sux sux sux sux sux sux  
sux sux sux sux sux sux sux sux sux sux/I

Over and over, line after line, said the same thing. Why, the Doctor thought with annoyance, the flamer could not even spell 'sucks' correctly. He deleted the message and waited for another review to arrive.

A few minutes later, one did. It said-  
IWhy are u bashing RoooooseRulzzzz, she is a good person. Why are u saying good things about Martha, she stinks./I

More messages poured in over the next hour-

Learn to write!!!

I dOnT kNoW wHo YoU tHiNk YoU aRe BuT yOu ArE a ToTaL lOsEr. LeAvE oUr RoUnD rObIn NoW.

Your just jealous because the Doctor loves Rose and not Martha.

Can't you read, this is not a Martha fan rr, this is a Martha haters rr. I'm reporting you for abuse.

Martha is not kind or beautiful or generous or sweet or any of that shit. Grow a brain!

hate it

Worst chappie EVAR.

You don't know anything about medicine. No one will cure the common cold by 2015 and if someone does it won't be dumb Martha Jones, it will be Rose Tyler.

TROLL ALERT IGNORE THIS CHAPTER, IT WAS WRITTEN BY A TROLLLLLL

We can bash martha if we want too, you are not aloud too say nice things about her.

Re write it, you are supposed to kill Martha, ddn't you read the rules?

DIE author DIE

Hate message after hate message bombarded the Doctor. He tried not to let the cruelty affect him, but it was difficult. Why was no one saying a single kind word or defending him in any way? Had the entire world gone insane?

Then he saw a new chapter of the round robin appear on his screen. The author was RoooooseRulzzzz, the mean writer he had killed off in his own chapter. What had she written?


	5. The Petition

Anxiously, the Doctor looked at his monitor. There was an update to _martha must die_, the round robin. He was sure the evil author RoooooseRulzzzz would have nothing good to say about his contribution to the foul story, and he wondered how she had responded. Well, there was only one way to find out.

There it was: the latest installment, typed by the villainess herself. The Doctor steeled himself and began to read, but was soon puzzled. Why, the newest posting wasn't an actual chapter. It was a petition, of all strange things. It read:  
"teh person who calls himself an author TenthDoctorREturns is ruiining out round robin, he rote a horible chappy that is otu ot charactor and where martha is good person and beatiful and nice instead of total bitch like she really is, hasnt he ever watched teh show, obviosly no! so enyway its time to make him see what loser he is+ did u c what he rote about me my  
name is RoooooseRulzzzz rthe greatest name in the uviverse he killd me off in his chappy that is work of sicko person. who is with me to get rid of hm from this site and he is a total loser, if u agree wit this than sign in wtih a reviw, k.  
REVIW REVIW REVIW REVIW REVIW REVIW REVIW REVIW REVIW REVIW REVIW REVIW"

The Doctor clicked on the review link. It already contained nine fresh signatures full of insults aimed at him and praise aimed at the brave RoooooseRulzzzz, who according to her friends had been hideously mistreated in the chapter where she had been killed off. The Doctor was disheartened to see the vicious comments directed at him, until his eyes fell upon a single signature of support that stood out like a beacon in the darkness. Some generous soul named "DoctorJones" had written a kind, sensible message. It said: "TenthDoctorReturns is the only one here who has any sense whatsoever. I am in complete support of his actions and am ashamed to even be on the same site as the rest of you. His chapter was excellent: honest, witty, insightful, and clever."

Immediately, the Doctor felt better. Someone out there appreciated his brilliant writing ability. No matter how many people like RoooooseRulzzzz existed, the fact that even one DoctorJones was around was an uplifting thought. He decided to write to her and let her know how much he appreciated her supportive words. He clicked on her name and was quickly taken to her profile page. It was fairly short, with a few facts about the author followed by a list of her stories.

Name: DoctorJones  
Age: 35  
Favourite characters: Martha, the Doctor, the TARDIS  
Least favorite characters: Rose, Tom, anyone else who gets in the way of my OTP

Here, the Doctor began to experience a familiar sinking feeling. Nevertheless, he read on.

Stories by DoctorJones:  
1. Betrayed!  
When Rose betrays the Doctor in the worst possible way, only one person can help him: Martha!

2. Chavs Never Win  
AU. After his fiancee Rose Tyler dumps him due to his charity work, the Doctor is in despair. Then he meets Martha Jones, who accepts him for who he is and helps him put his life back together.

3. Saved by an Angel  
Liz, Sarah, Romana, Grace, Reinette, Rose, Donna: a long line of women had spurned him. The Doctor finds out that Martha is different, and he can always rely on her.

The Doctor paused and thought. He couldn't yet be positive that the stories were as awful as the summaries made them sound. He would have to read one to make sure. He sighed and then clicked on _Betrayed!. _The first chapter started:

_Rose approached the TARDIS at a run. "Doctor!" she screamed in a voice so high-pitched it would hurt the hearing of a dog. "Open the door! Now!"_

_The TARDIS door flew open, but Rose stopped far from it instead of entering. "Doctor!" she yelled again. "Help!"_

_The Doctor stepped out of the TARDIS. "Rose, what's wrong?" he cried._

_"I can't move any closer," she moaned. "You'll have to come and help me."_

_Without hesitation, showing his utter selflessness, the Doctor ran over to Rose and grasped her arm. "Lean on me. I'll save you."_

_Rose's lips curved in a devious smile. "That's what you think." She laughed maniacally, reached into her pocket, pulled out a syringe, and swiftly, cruelly injected the contents into the unsuspecting Doctor's arm._

_A bolt of agonising pain shot through his body. He blinked, swayed, and then collapsed, his last thought being that Rose couldn't have betrayed him._

_When he woke up five hours later, chained to a wall with his enemies poking bits of burning metal into his exposed flesh, the Doctor realised he had been wrong. Rose had turned him over to the merciless CyberDalAutons and stolen the TARDIS for her own nefarious uses._

The Doctor stopped reading. He almost couldn't believe what he had seen. The author, DoctorJones, was an adult yet she had written such ridiculous trash. Rose would never betray him and steal his TARDIS. The very thought was insane. Despite the fact that she could spell correctly and use proper grammar, DoctorJones was ultimately no better than RoooooseRulzzzz and the other Martha bashers.

The Doctor went back to the _martha must die_ round robin. The petition against him had by now accumulated 29 signatures, and it had been posted for less than half an hour. Most stories on this site were lucky to receive a total of five reviews, let alone more than two dozen almost immediately.

What could he do? Talking sense to the enemy had failed. Flaming had failed. The round robin had been a disaster. Abandoned stories, bad grammar, poor characterisation, and terrible spelling had assailed him. Maybe he should just give up and pretend he had never discovered fan fiction.

No! Quitting was not the answer! the Doctor thought with a surge of resolve. He could sit here and complain about the poor quality of fanfic, or he could do something active. He could... he could write his own story! Not a contribution to a round robin, but a proper story that was completely his own work. What could possibly go wrong with that?


	6. The Doctor's Story

_(Special note to mods and readers: Any mistakes contained in the Doctor's story are deliberate.)_

With so many subjects to choose from, it took the Doctor a lengthy 2.56 seconds to decide on the topic of his story. He ultimately decided to write about a character of his own creation, usually called an original character. Readers appreciated creativity, after all, and his mind was brimming with all sorts of ideas. His story would be absolutely epic! His fingers flew across his keyboard, adding detail, embroidering on background, and polishing. When he was done mere moments later, he had to stamp down the impulse to instantly post the chapter. Such impatience was foolish and unnecessary. He could take a few extra seconds to make sure he was satisfied with his work.

Yes, the Doctor thought, he hoped he had come across as a witty, honest, and thorough author in the headers of his story. It was best to get off to a good start and not look back. He quickly skimmed the story. It read:

___________________________________________________________  
Title: The Secret Time Lord  
Alternate Title: The Time Lord Who Floated to Earth  
Author: TenthDoctorReturns ;-)  
Rated: G for great!  
Genres: action/suspense/horror/angst/humour/tragedy/fluff/drama/introspection/  
character study/religious/fluff/satire/crime/fantasy  
Summary: The last Time Lord, alone and so lonely, must somehow find her place in an unfamiliar universe where she believes herself to be alone amongst strangers.  
A/N: This is my first fic so bare with me, be gentle, etc., lolz.  
I wrote this fic at 2:38 in the morning while I was on a metralimbaloid high. I was inspired when I looked out my bedroom window and saw a star go sailing by and thought about how it would feel to be free-falling through space with no TARDIS to hold me and it was a sad feeling so here you are!

Key (just so the story doesn't confuse anyone)  
" is for dialogue (people talking).  
' is for people thinking.  
- is for telepathy.  
% is for animals talking.  
is for animals thinking.  
= is for animals thinking directly to M'l'o-a.  
+ is for M'l'o-a thinking directly to animals.  
^ is for ghosts speaking.  
# is for ghosts thinking.  
/ is for ghosts thinking directly to M'l'o-a.  
is for M'l'o-a thinking directly to ghosts.

THE SECRET TIME LORD  
or  
THE TIME LORD WHO FLOATED TO EARTH

M'l'o-a had had had a difficult life. She had two eyes; one was emerald that pierces you to your soul when she looked into your eyes with her piercing emerald gaze. Her hair is raven black, with sapphire, copper, indigo, and vermilion stripes in it that contrasted perfectly with her piercing emerald eyes. Her glistening ebony tresses hung straight and true all the way down to her waist. She had the perfect hourglass figure every girl dreams of and she knows she is the most gorgeous creature in existence but everyone loves her for her modesty and beauty. Although M'l-a is actually 962 years old, she looks about thirteen in Earth years.

By the way, M'l'o-a's full name was Meisobalgarzoniriwoglamolala but it was a bit difficult for a few people to pronounce and spell so she went by M'l'o-a with the accent on the first and third syllables for their benefit.

M'l'o-a has the ability to talk to both ghosts and animals and they can both think and talk to her as well as to each other.

When Gallifrey blew up M'l'o-a went down in the great Time War. M'l'o-a was knocked unconscious and down she floats to Earth in a comma for three hundred years. When she wakes up she is in London where fortunately no one cares if you are lying on a street corner not moving except to pick your pockets. M'l'o-a was lucky. She was naked so she had no pockets to pick.

"Oh, how I miss home," she cried sadly. "Well, I suppose I will move into a flat and get a job."

Soon M'l'o-a was working at UNIT as their top scientific advisor. She has a fantastic voice too so she became discovered on The X Factor and was a star. Good thing noone knew she was the Master's daughter.

Then she met a ghost.

_TBC_

The Doctor nodded to himself. He had ended on a suspenseful note, with a spectacular cliffhanger. It was a stroke of genius, if he did say so himself.

He then performed a swift count. Yes, he had reached an impressive length of 311 words, not including his story header. It was suitably long for a first try, he decided. It was a teaser of sorts, bait to capture and hold reader interest. He wanted to have them begging for more!

The chapter wasn't yet quite complete, though. It needed that one extra little finishing touch to wrap it up. At the bottom of the page, he typed: Please review.

Then he looked at those last words and frowned. No, he shouldn't type such a review request. That was ridiculous. The Doctor deleted the words and started over. He made a modest adjustment to his font colour and size, then went back to work. When he was finished, the request shouted PLEASE REVIEW!!!!!! in size 32 purple font with pink sparkles.

He grinned; no reader would be able to miss his review request now!

He was about to hit the submit button when he realised he had forgotten to mention his review quota. Hmm, he thought, a requirement of ten reviews for each minute he had spent on writing the story seemed eminently reasonable. He typed: _I require 30 reviews before I will post the next chappie!_ He didn't use size 32 purple font with pink sparkles this time, because that would be overkill. Instead, he used size 29 magenta font that blinked on and off every fifth of a second. It almost made the Doctor dizzy to look at it.

It was perfect, just like his story.

The Doctor submitted his fic and then settled back to wait for the rapturous reviews to pour in.


	7. The Sporking

_Note: The Sporkmasters link is fake. That particular site doesn't exist, though similar ones do._

* * *

The Doctor waited for the first reviews of his story to flow in. He waited, and waited, and waited. Surely it shouldn't be taking so long. Perhaps the site had experienced technical trouble and his fic hadn't been posted? He went to check, and there saw displayed _The Secret Time Lord_/_The Time Lord Who Floated to Earth_ in all its glory, with a clear **0 reviews** next to its title.

He felt a stirring of unease, but ruthlessly tamped it down. The obvious answer was that the readers had all been so stunned by his story's brilliance, they'd been unable to immediately come up with the right words to describe it. Once they'd had time to digest the depth and magnificence of his prose, they would shower him with the praise he deserved. He refreshed the page, and indeed, his patience had been rewarded. There it was! His very first review for his own story!

Eagerly, the Doctor clicked on the link and read the review.

He blinked and read it again.

No, it still didn't make much sense. It read: Spork at http: // w w w. sporkmasters. com / ?560231

The Doctor knew what a spork was, of course. It was an eating utensil far superior to either the spoon or the fork, since it combined the best features of each. Upon the invention of the spork, no longer did one have to ask supper guests whether they preferred to eat their mashed potatoes with a spoon or a fork. One simply handed each diner a spork, which neatly solved the problem.

The puzzle of why his reviewer had mentioned a spork and directed him to an outside website remained. Burning with curiosity, the Doctor clicked on the link.

A page slowly loaded. The title read _Sporkmasters Unlimited_. Beside it stood a picture of a spork: a spoon-like object with little fork tines sticking out of the end. The Doctor smiled at the sight.

Then he scanned down the page and his smile faded. It said _Badfic sporking: Mary Sue alert!_ and linked to his precious story. Though the Doctor wasn't sure what a 'sporking' was, and _Mary Sue_ made no sense at all, _badfic_ had an ominous sound to it.

It appeared that his entire story had been quoted and reviewed by an individual going by the name 'SueSlayer'. The Doctor read swiftly, his eyes widening in disbelief.

---------------------------------------------------------------------

Badfic sporking: Mary Sue alert!  
sporked by SueSlayer

Original text is in regular type. Sporking is in **bold**.

Title: The Secret Time Lord **I already smell a Mary Sue.**  
Alternate Title: The Time Lord Who Floated to Earth **Yep. What did I tell you?**  
Author: TenthDoctorReturns ;-) **Sign #36,959,265 that a story will suck: The author uses an emoticon in his user name.**  
Rated: G for great! **What, no 'M' for 'modest'?**  
Genres: action/suspense/horror/angst/humour/tragedy/fluff/drama/introspection/  
character study/religious/fluff/satire/crime/fantasy **You left out 'hurt/comfort', author, but I think that's about the only category you missed.**  
Summary: The last Time Lord, alone and so lonely, must somehow find her place in an unfamiliar universe where she believes herself to be alone amongst strangers.  
A/N: This is my first fic so bare with me **I don't even know you! Why would I want to get naked with you?**, be gentle, etc., lolz.  
I wrote this fic at 2:38 in the morning **I started this sporking at 12:1 9 in the afternoon.** while I was on a metralimbaloid high. **The author was on drugs at the time. That explains a lot.** I was inspired **yawn** when I looked out my bedroom window **Zzzz....** and saw a star go sailing by **snore** and thought about how it would feel to be free-falling **Wake me when this note is over.** through space with no TARDIS to hold me and it was a sad feeling so here you are! **Can I leave? Please?**

Key (just so the story doesn't confuse anyone)  
" is for dialogue (people talking).  
' is for people thinking.  
- is for telepathy.  
% is for animals talking.  
is for animals thinking.  
= is for animals thinking directly to M'l'o-a. **M'l'-o-a? WTF?**  
+ is for M'l'o-a thinking directly to animals.  
^ is for ghosts speaking.  
# is for ghosts thinking.  
/ is for ghosts thinking directly to M'l'o-a.  
{ is for M'l'o-a thinking directly to ghosts.

**I'm now picturing a typical conversation in this fic. It goes like this:  
Hello, thought a little furry animal.  
+How are you?+ responded the Mary Sue.  
/Who's out there?/ asked a ghost.  
'I'm so confused,' thought a random individual.  
^What's going on?^ a stranger chimed in.  
%Fuck if I know,% came the reply.  
And no one knew who had said or thought any of this crap without consulting a key every single time.**

THE SECRET TIME LORD  
or  
THE TIME LORD WHO FLOATED TO EARTH  
**Both titles were bad enough the first time they appeared. Did you have to repeat them?**

M'l'o-a had had had **The author has created a new verb tense. 'Had' is past tense. 'Had had' is past perfect. 'Had had had' is past 'the author made it up'.** a difficult life. She had two eyes **Which makes life difficult in what way?**; one was emerald that pierces you to your soul when she looked into your eyes with her piercing emerald gaze. **Apparently, her second eye was colourless.** Her hair is raven black, with sapphire, copper, indigo, and vermilion stripes in it that contrasted **I see that we're playing 'pick the verb tense out of a hat' in this fic.** perfectly with her piercing emerald eyes. **In what universe do black, sapphire, copper, indigo, vermilion, and emerald all look good together?** Her glistening ebony tresses **I thought they were 'raven black'?** hung straight and true all the way down to her waist. **Straight and true? Obviously, the writer has never had waist-long hair.** She had the perfect hourglass figure every girl dreams of **Speak for yourself.** and she knows she is the most gorgeous creature in existence **The most modest, too.** but everyone loves her for her modesty **Did I call that one, or what?** and beauty. Although M'l-a **You know a story is bad when the author misspells his own Mary Sue's name.** is actually 962 years old, she looks about thirteen in Earth years.

By the way, M'l'o-a's full name was Meisobalgarzoniriwoglamolala **Can't... type. Too busy choking with laughter....** but it was a bit difficult for a few people to pronounce and spell so she went by M'l'o-a with the accent on the first and third syllables for their benefit. **I still have no idea how to pronounce it.**

M'l'o-a has the ability to talk to both ghosts and animals and they can both think and talk to her as well as to each other.

When Gallifrey blew up M'l'o-a **Yay, she's dead! There's something good about the destruction of Gallifrey.** went down in the great Time War. M'l'o-a was knocked unconscious **M'l'o-a's survival is the most disappointing plot development ever.** and down she floats to Earth in a comma **Oh, those helpful commas. They're not merely punctuation aids; they also transport one around the universe.** for three hundred years. When she wakes up she is in London where fortunately no one cares if you are lying on a street corner not moving except to pick your pockets. M'l'o-a was lucky. She was naked so she had no pockets to pick. **That's a very loose definition of 'lucky'.**

"Oh, how I miss home," she cried sadly. "Well, I suppose I will move into a flat and get a job." **Maybe she ought to consider finding some clothes first. Just sayin'.**

Soon M'l'o-a was working at UNIT as their top scientific advisor. **Because UNIT are famous for employing strange girls who look like they're thirteen years old and have no work history.** She has a fantastic voice too so she became discovered on The X Factor and was a star. **That was nice and random.** Good thing noone knew she was the Master's daughter. **This 'noone' is the only intelligent character in the story.**

Then she met a ghost. **Well, _that_ came flying in from nowhere.**

_TBC_ **I was desperately hoping to see 'The End' instead.**

PLEASE REVIEW!!!!!!

_I require 30 reviews before I will post the next chappie!_

**Dilemmas, dilemmas. If I leave a review to say how much this thing sucks, I'll feel better. OTOH, my review might count as one of the thirty comments required for the next part to be posted, and that would be a tragedy indeed.**

Frozen in shock, the Doctor simply stared at the page. How dare anyone make critical remarks about his writing. It was so unfair!


End file.
